Self-portrait after a summer rain

on turning 31, creative paralysis, and what comes next

Every year on (or near) my birthday, I like to take a self-portrait to mark the occasion. They’ve ranged from elaborate to simple, showing different facets of my identity over the years.

Last week, my husband watched the baby while I spent an hour at grassy knoll near our house. It had rained earlier that morning, and the sky was a mix of dewy clouds with patches of sun. The grass was wet and everything felt quiet and still. The scene reminded me of

FogChaser

’s song “After a Summer Rain.”

I’ve been feeling a bit creatively scattered lately. The transition of leaving my job was harder than I expected. Lots of feelings of inadequacy, creative paralysis, anxiety about what to do next, motherhood overwhelm and guilt for feeling that way.

Part of my struggle is that this time feels very fertile, the beginning of something new. I want to take advantage of that energy, to sow the seeds for distant dreams. But I keep getting stuck trying to figure out what’s the right course of action to take, the right creative project, the right thing to do next.

Even when I tell myself over and over again, there are no right answers.

I told my therapist this the other week, and she said:

Just plant one seed. You don’t have to grow a whole garden.

But which seed is the right seed? my mind immediately responded.

When I’m in a cycle of over-rumination like this, the best thing I can do is take action. One small, tangible step, in a direction I want to go. Not a to-do list, not anything thought or planning-related. It has to be something I can get my hands on.

On the evening of my birthday, I went out with two friends from my writing group. Becky asked if I had a word or intention that I wanted to bring with me into my next year.

My mind went back to the tarot reading I’d done the previous week on the summer solstice. I’d pulled the Queen of Wands. She symbolizes confidence and belief in your own skill, calm assurance and comfort taking up space.

Shadowscapes Tarot by Stepahnie Pui-Mun Law

She shines. She radiates. She doesn’t need to prove anything. She understands her power and is comfortable in it.

I think that’s the energy that I want to bring with me into year 31.

Thank you for reading,

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