I love this post. The images and words are beautiful. I remember struggling with anxiety, frustration, and confusion during my first trimester when pregnant with my daughter. I remember sitting down in the hallway of our little apartment and just sobbing into my knees. I think the changes I was experiencing felt so foreign, like something happening TO me rather than OF me. It's a bizarre and not altogether joyous feeling to realize that something other -- a whole other person-- is growing within you. And when they're born, you expect to know them. After all, you've carried them for nine months. But I was startled to realize my daughter was a stranger, a new person I had to meet and get to know. She had all of this personhood shining out of her eyes ... and I was expecting to see myself, I think. But oh no, not at all. Haha! Anyway, this really resonated with me! Thanks for sharing.
"Like something happening TO me rather than OF me" - that perfectly describes how the first trimester felt. Thank you for sharing Abi, the more mothers that I talk to the more I realize that having these sorts of struggles during pregnancy is very, very normal. But it's not talked about, and there's all this emphasis on the baby and the joy of it that it can feel like there's no room for you to be having these more complicated feelings. I really appreciate your comment on how you had to get to know your daughter when she arrived - that's a good reality check to have in mind and reminder that, though they came from you, they aren't *you*. They're their own person and it'll be a journey to get to know them.
I love that phrase "parental becoming". And I agree, there's so much emphasis on the baby that it's easy to feel like you're ceasing to exist in the process. I'm really grateful that my mental health has improved a lot since those early months and I've been able to get the support I need from my partner, friends and family to help mitigate that feeling.
I love this post. The images and words are beautiful. I remember struggling with anxiety, frustration, and confusion during my first trimester when pregnant with my daughter. I remember sitting down in the hallway of our little apartment and just sobbing into my knees. I think the changes I was experiencing felt so foreign, like something happening TO me rather than OF me. It's a bizarre and not altogether joyous feeling to realize that something other -- a whole other person-- is growing within you. And when they're born, you expect to know them. After all, you've carried them for nine months. But I was startled to realize my daughter was a stranger, a new person I had to meet and get to know. She had all of this personhood shining out of her eyes ... and I was expecting to see myself, I think. But oh no, not at all. Haha! Anyway, this really resonated with me! Thanks for sharing.
"Like something happening TO me rather than OF me" - that perfectly describes how the first trimester felt. Thank you for sharing Abi, the more mothers that I talk to the more I realize that having these sorts of struggles during pregnancy is very, very normal. But it's not talked about, and there's all this emphasis on the baby and the joy of it that it can feel like there's no room for you to be having these more complicated feelings. I really appreciate your comment on how you had to get to know your daughter when she arrived - that's a good reality check to have in mind and reminder that, though they came from you, they aren't *you*. They're their own person and it'll be a journey to get to know them.
I felt that too. Culturally there is no support for that liminal space of parental becoming. Everything is about the child.
I love that phrase "parental becoming". And I agree, there's so much emphasis on the baby that it's easy to feel like you're ceasing to exist in the process. I'm really grateful that my mental health has improved a lot since those early months and I've been able to get the support I need from my partner, friends and family to help mitigate that feeling.