I Wasn't Ready
a September letter and five things bringing me joy lately
August slipped away into a moment in time
'Cause it was never mine
Summer left without saying goodbye. She slipped out the backdoor last week, winking from under her sunglasses, while autumn barreled in the front, wearing a chunky knit sweater and a PSL in hand. The skies clouded over, night fell by 8pm, and as of September 1st, pumpkin decorations appeared on my neighbors’ porches like an army of little gnomes that had been waiting for the right moment to invade.
I wasn’t ready for summer to leave. She’d come back into my life like an old friend, different for the first time since freshman year of college because it was a summer off. Even with all the difficulties of having a newborn, this summer felt languid in a way that only happens when the schedule you have to abide by is your own. There were no deadlines, no work to be completed. It was just me and my baby, living on our own time.
I love autumn, I really do. I’m pretty sure I’d be a fraud of an Oregonian if I didn’t. You don’t survive living the Pacific Northwest if you don’t have an innate love of cozying up under grey skies with a book and mug of tea in hand. But this year, autumn is a reminder that time is passing. In another month and a half, I’ll be going back to work, something I’ve been slowly dreading the closer it gets. It feels impossible to consider fitting back into my old schedule now that my baby is here. I can’t imagine leaving him for a whole day—and I’m one of the lucky ones in the US, with local family for daycare and a flexible job that is willing to accommodate my schedule as much as possible. How am I supposed to pick up again in a role when my entire life and sense of being has changed?
I know I will adapt to the new routine when it gets here. It’s just hard to conceive of right now. These thoughts have been weighing on my mind ever since the beginning of August, when I could start to see summer ending. Now, with my Instagram feed full of tawny orange and checkered plaids again, they’re even harder to ignore. Part of me want to cling to summer, to stand under the early, unexpected rain in my cutoff shorts and yell at the sky that we still have 17 days left.
Instead of resisting indefinitely though, I am trying to find tangible ways that I can lean into this change seasons and enjoy the shift. Putting drops of patchouli and sandalwood in my essential oil diffuser; ordering some cute fall outfits for my son; making plans to visit a pumpkin patch and try apple cider donuts for the first time; listening to my favorite, cozy autumn playlists on Spotify; opening all the windows to let in the smell of petrichor. These little moments help me focus on what I love about the season, instead of letting my anxieties get the better of me.
How do you embrace the change of the seasons? Are there any tried and true rituals you follow to mark the shift? I’d love to hear about them.
Love List
(five things bringing me joy lately)
Unreal Unearth. Hozier dropped a new album just in time for fall and I’ve had this song on repeat for weeks:
Fourth Wing. This book has been all over my bookstagram feed this summer and I finally started reading it after catching up on From Blood and Ash. So far, it’s like Hogwarts, but a military academy that’s way more vicious and with dragons. Some of my closest reader friends have given it very high praise, so I’m hoping it lives up to the hype.
French Toast Casserole. We’ve started making brunch more often and this recipe has become one of my favorites. It’s really easy because you can prep it the night before and then just bake it in the morning. A couple modifications: use a chunky, sourdough bread, and make sure you lower the temperature to 350°F and lengthen the cook time to 50 minutes. I also recommend adding in rum-soaked raisins and nutmeg.
Café Writing. Lately when I have some time to myself, I like to hop over to the local café to do some writing. Even an hour outside of the house can help get my creative juices going. I’ve even managed to take the baby once; he slept sweetly in his stroller while I munched on a sandwich and worked on my latest Impromptu response.
Crystal Decorating. I shared this note last week about how I’m reframing my desk as a creative altar space. One way I’m doing this is by adding some beautiful new crystals to it. I like keeping them in my line of sight as a reminder to stay grounded and in tune with my magic.
A beautiful post, thank you! I love decorating my house for the seasons, and this ritual helps me cope with the changing seasons--when I don't want to let one of them go! I love late summer and autumn, but this year, I really looked forward to summer in a way I hadn't in years past. My appreciation for many things has grown since experiencing a few family tragedies over the last few years. Sometimes it takes that kind of thing to change your perspective, I guess. :)
Right there with you on trying to navigate the change of seasons. I am finding posts like yours really helpful. Naming the little joys of autumn are giving me things to look forward to rather than just missing my green-leafed friends. Thank you for this!